Okay, you have been warned…turn back now if you are not ready for this cold hard truth. I have said it before, but maybe it hasn’t hit you yet: Mommy-ing is HARD.
What makes it hard…(other than the highly demanding job of being an actual mom) is MOM SHAMING. If you are a mom (or dad), you more than likely have been shamed. From one mom to another (or dad), I am sorry for that. (I will say at this juncture I may or may not shame you based on your decision to or not to vaccinate your otherwise healthy child but that’s another argument entirely reserved for another day and at this time I digress).
As much as I hate to admit it and as much as my husband teases me relentlessly about it, I will be 30 in less than a year. My husband is 11 months younger and he never lets me forget it. We married when I was 26, after both of us graduated from our respective graduate schools and secured jobs. We also bought a home. I had my son right before turning 28, and will have a daughter in a few short months at nearly 29.5.
Yet, I have been publicly shamed for being too young to be a mom, all because I look 20.
My husband enjoys working out and attempts to stick to a schedule a few times a week. When I was pregnant, I was fortunate enough that my wedding rings fit most days which included the day I gave birth to our son. Well, my husband, who lifts weights, complained his ring would catch on the weight bar and nearly break his finger. So before we solved that issue with silicon bands, he would put his ring on his cross necklace and put it back on after he was done with the weights. However, on occasion, he would forget to put it back on and it would hang on his necklace (up until he freaked out thinking he lost it only to realize it was on his necklace). Well, a few times, when I was pregnant with my son, he and I would be out, usually the grocery store, and people immediately noticed and would comment on his lack of a ring and/or mine. So much so, and my husband will confirm, I would get so upset (pregnant emotions on high) if we were out and he didn’t have it on because I found the looks to be embarrassing and the comments made me feel shamed. Looking back, it angers me. It does not matter, ring or not. A person should never feel less than anyone else based on marital status.
Another case in point: When I first had my son, my mother and I took him to the pediatrician. I actually took my mother in law and my mom (separate times) so they would know where and who to take my son to in the event of an emergency while my husband and I were at work. When I took my mom, there was also a lady there with her three young adorable daughters who spanned 6-14 years in age. She said, loud enough for all in the waiting room to hear, “see girls, you don’t want to end up like her (pointing to me) her mom had to bring her to take her child to the doctor. That’s why kids shouldn’t have kids.” Well, as mad as I was, it did not compare to the anger and rage my mama felt. Mama bear will protect her cub and while embarrassing, my mom loudly announced that I was in fact, married, 28 years old, held three advanced degrees and that the lady should be “damn proud” if her children ended up like me. (Aw, well, thanks mom).
Hey, if it only happened once, maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I have been publicly shamed in the grocery store, when out and about at the park or a restaurant, especially if I am reprimanding my toddler sternly (to not eat rocks or throw food most likely). Strangers will approach me saying I am too young to have a child and when a child raises another child, the baby is unruly and undisciplined. WELL, EXCUSE ME?
Now, I have friends who are on the opposite side of this, where they are in their late 30’s or early 40’s and are pregnant or have small children. They are told they are too old to be having babies and that they are selfish for having babies so late in life as they will be too old to enjoy them. Some people have out right said that these older parents will die when their children are too young and may never meet their grandchildren. WELL, FOR ONE IT’S RUDE AND NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND TWO, WHO GAVE YOU THE AUTHORITY TO TELL SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE BABIES?
On to a more hot topic issue: I have been publicly shamed for formula feeding. Yes, you read that. Holy crap, I formula fed my child. First slew of unsolicited questions: did you have a hard time? Did you try a lactation consultant? Do you pump? Maybe the nozzle wasn’t fitting right? Did baby not latch? Did baby have a tongue tie? –OR- First slew of unsolicited responses: I had a tough time at first too but it got easier or perhaps you gave up too easily.
Well, the answer to these questions is simple. Nope, didn’t try any of those because I did not even attempt for one hot second to breast feed my son and I won’t try with my second one either. (Cue gasps and horrified faces.) So Second question: Well Why not? Sorry ladies (and gents) the appropriate question in this scenario is: Why Does it matter the reason I chose not to and/or how does my decision affect you?
If breast feeding your child until he or she was two and half worked for you, that’s great. Congratulations. I commend you for your effort. That’s great. What worked for me was formula feeding from the outset. As in, I had my son, and when it came time to feed him for the first time, his precious little baby lips went straight to a ready-made 2 oz tiny bottle of Similac. No my child is not small or underdeveloped. In fact, he is above average for height and weight. No he is not sick all the time. He is healthy and has a crazy immune system aka he has had one mild cold in his entire 16 months of existence. He has never thrown up. No he is not less intelligent. He is smart and has hit all of his milestones early.
When I am publicly shamed in this manner, which was more often before we switched to whole milk in a sippy cup at age one, I always challenge these people to look out onto the play yard and identify which kids received breast milk and which did not. They can’t do it. It is impossible. While you may have your own beliefs on what is best for your child’s nutrition which affects solely your child, you, as the parent, can make that choice for your child (but you cannot make the choice for a child that is not yours).
These are just two personal examples of mom-shaming. I could go on but the post would be never ending. In short, from when to place pillows and a small blanket in the crib to when children can be placed in a forward facing seat, from when to introduce solid foods to when and how to potty train, from when to socialize your children to how many words a child should say at a certain age, there is disagreement. AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOU, It is OKAY to disagree and to choose differently for your child when it effects solely your child, but it is not okay to shame another mom for choosing differently than you did.
As a mom, I value the thoughts and advice of other moms. I truly value your insight and your research. I weigh the information provided against the research I have done. I make as educated of a decision as I can with the best intentions. I strive every day to make the best decisions for my child(ren).
So Moms (and Dads), just remember, (and beware) there are mom-shamers out there. They will shame you for breast feeding and also shame you for formula feeding because in this mom-shaming world, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Don’t fall victim to the mom-shaming and more importantly, do your very best not to further the mom-shaming propaganda.
May the Mom Force be With you.
Life of A Mama: Unfiltered 