I have cycles of energy. Maybe it is the tiny human that is growing in my tummy or my thyroid issues, but for as long as I can remember, I have energy cycles. Meaning some days I have so much energy and can tackle a TON of housework, work-work, and everything in between AND stay up until 10 PM. Other days I come home and have barely enough energy to make my child dinner and play with him, AND end up asleep by 845 PM. The cycles have been even MORE obvious since becoming pregnant with baby number two.
I was fortunate when pregnant with both my son and now my daughter, that I had NO morning sickness. I had some slight food aversions with my son and some horrific first trimester acne, but did not with my daughter. However, with both children I had first trimester exhaustion. (Cue eye rolls). But seriously, hear me out. I am talking extreme fatigue as in fall asleep while standing. (Not kidding, ask my husband). When I was pregnant with my son, I was studying for the bar exam and I would fall asleep mid-sentence or mid video lecture for HOURS in the middle of the day and STILL sleep all night. This pregnancy, I work ALL day, ALL week, and have ALL the responsibilities of wife and mom. When I say I considered taping and stapling my eyes open in order to appear awake, I mean I seriously considered it, tape and/or stapler in hand. But I survived. I am happily in the second trimester, energy restored, but I have my cycles.
So yesterday was a high-energy day. I worked hard, efficiently, kicked some to-do list booty, and went home to clean, do laundry, organize the garage, feed and play with my child. I even watched a TV show WHEN IT WAS ACTUALLY ON TV! (This is HUGE, monumental even). So of course, after a long busy day, it is no shocker that last night was rough. It is just the universe saying AH-HA! at the worst possible moment. Well, my son didn’t want to sleep in his crib so he was in between my husband and I until my husband couldn’t take one more ninja kick. Then my husband, lovingly tried to coerce our child back to his crib; however, our son had other plans and unleashed his sobbing and accompanying “I am being murdered” piercing pterodactyl screeches.
My husband and I looked at each other across the bed, dead in the eyes despite barely seeing in the dark, and we searched each other’s face. Silently communicating: “should we get him?,” “should we let him cry it out?,” “will we ever sleep?,” “what do we do?.” It felt like hours as we held our breath; Both of us afraid to breathe in fear of making the whole situation worse. Until I caved. I just couldn’t do it. I went into my son’s room, mom heart ripped to shreds for my sobbing child and tried to soothe him to sleep. After an hour of rocking, shhh-ing, patting, coaxing, singing, my son felt heavy in my arms. I tiptoed to his room only for my son to wake and cling to me with white knuckles. So my son ended up back in bed with us, right up against me and my growing belly. By 6:30 AM, after finally falling into deep sleep, I lovingly placed him back in his crib. This time he slept. My hubby and I cherished the few moments to stretch out while being utterly amazed how much space a 16 month old can take up in a king sized bed.
Yet, Today, while absolutely utterly exhausted, I sit here with my coffee reflecting on yesterday (and last night). And you know what? I was AWESOME yesterday. I got so much accomplished, I feel accomplished, and I snuggled the hell out of my little guy all night long. I know those moments are short lived. I know those moments suck at times (and are also THE BEST). I know the day after a long night will suck….really, really suck. I know I will once again consider taping my eye lids open in order to get through the work day. But I feel AWESOME! I feel like a super hero (super mom!) who saved the day and I feel like a super awesome wife. I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I feel beaten down and broken like I didn’t live up or meet the expectations. But today, I toot my own horn for being one hell of a mom (and wife) yesterday.
To be honest, I didn’t do much. I loved. I cuddled. I did a few chores. I gave 100% at my day job. I SURVIVED by some people’s standards. But I don’t care. To me, I EXCELLED yesterday. So, I encourage you to toot your own horn today because you deserve it. It may seem like a regular day, the same schedule, the same chores, but when you crawl into bed or wake up after a long day and night, recognize that you are a survivor. You did it. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. Pat yourself on the back, mama! You are the real hero.
Life of A Mama: Unfiltered 