Married with Kids: Part II-Pre-Baby

Before children, our relationship had its normal rough patches.

ME: You spend too much time with your friends.

HIM: You’re a homebody.

ME: You chew tobacco, its gross, you need to quit.

HIM: You spend too much money.

As a couple, it can be a struggle to grow together. When we were finishing graduate school, he was job searching in Ohio or in obscure states like Wyoming and Alaska, while I was hoping for law school in Florida or California or the Carolinas. It was quite clear our desires when it came to a place to settle down did not overlap. We had to work through it, make sacrifices, and we did. These seemed like HUGE road blocks, but in hindsight, they are so minor and so trivial. We argued sure, we were growing; these were just growing pains.

Eventually we found our footing and things worked out. He found a job in Ohio and I found a law school in Ohio. Now, we were a bit non-conventional and opted to live together before marriage. (Cue shock, awe, gasps, tsk-tsks) I feel as though I need to write a blog post solely on this experience, but I will leave it for another day. Suffice it to say, we knew relatively early on that our relationship had serious potential to grow into a marriage. We did what all normal couples did. We went to dinner, the movies, vacations, sporting events, etc. We had our own bank accounts, spent our own money. When we discussed our desires to get married, we talked about the important things: money, where we wanted to live, how many kids we wanted, etc.

We did not go into marriage blindly. We did not take marriage lightly. We did not go into marriage thinking there was a way out (until death parts us at least). Marriage was a big deal to both of us. And when we said our vows and said “I do” for the the rest of our lives, it was the happiest day of my life. (I can’t speak for my husband, but I like to think he feels the same).

Well, our son was not exactly planned. He was wanted, dreamt of even, our desires to have children discussed at length. It was most certainly part of the two-year plan. But we were just recently married and still thoroughly enjoying early married life when to our surprise, the Lord above had other plans. Just three months after we said “I do”, we found out we were unexpectedly expecting. I was studying for the bar exam, we just moved into a new house and got a new dog. A baby was a bit of a wrench in the plans. Nevertheless, we were excited and we felt blessed.

However, we didn’t know how to express our expectations of parenthood to each other. Actually our expectations of parenthood were so off-base that looking back now, all the arguments seem funny. I had black line rules of anti-daycare and he was firm on breast feeding. I was firm on a birth plan with no one in the room until hours after baby was born. I was scared, what if something happened to me? What if he had to make medical decisions for me or for our child? These questions were the bane of my husband’s existence who did not even want to acknowledge a worst-case scenario. I always thought I would be a stay at home mom, but now I had a career. I was torn and struggled with mama-me and career-woman-me. I cried A LOT, so much I could’ve filled a swimming pool or a small pond, a lake even. I wasn’t sure how we would split the responsibilities. We had so many worries and ridiculous expectations.

Yet we fought tooth and nail over things we didn’t understand and things that happened yet. We knew how to fight about trivial matters and solve minor things. We weren’t sure how to handle the BIG things. During one such hormonal rage while pregnant with our son and during the heat of a big fight over our unfounded and groundless parenting expectations, I once suggested counseling. I am not proud of the comment. At the time I believed it and I meant it. It took my husband by surprise. He appeared hurt at the thought that I thought we couldn’t handle it or get through it on our own. But the truth was, I wasn’t sure how to fight about these big things and I thought maybe someone else could help him see my point of view. The truth was prior to having children, which is a life-changing, we had not had to fight about anything overwhelmingly important. We were both so naïve and unaware how a tiny human was going wreck absolute havoc on our plans and how much our lives would actually and substantially change.

For those wondering, no, we did not go to counseling. Perhaps it may have helped us get where we are a bit faster, but we managed to get through it with a few minor scrapes to our prides and egos.

But here are a few things, some obvious perhaps, that I wish someone would have shared with me (beat into my head actually) when my husband and I were preparing to welcome our son:

1. ALMOST ALL parenting expectations are hypothetical what-if’s. They are not worth the fight pre-baby. I repeat, these are NOT worth fighting over pre-baby.
   1. I am not talking about what-if a medical emergency arises. These are important things to discuss with your spouse when preparing for a child. BUT DO NOT fight about who is going to the gym on what days, who is going to be responsible for night time feeds, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, time out with friends, etc. RELAX. BREATHE. These fights are stupid (says the woman who fought tirelessly about all these things the first go round.) While I can guarantee you will hash these issues out several times over once baby does arrive, pre-baby fights about this is, is just wasteful.
2. DISCUSS important parenting expectations:
   1. Childcare, medical expenses, finances, make a budget, discuss work schedules.
   2. Talk about thoughts on immunizing, breast feeding vs formula, etc.
3. BE FLEXIBLE.
   1. Any plans you make (including a birth plan) must have an accompanying Plan B, C, D, E, and F…maybe even G. The plans you have for yourself will be irrelevant and null and void. That tedious schedule you have (laundry on Friday, gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays) is out the window (at least temporarily). Come to terms with it early and accept it.

These three things will cut down the amount of fighting that occurs due to the anxiety of expecting a child. They seem simple enough but are difficult to come to terms with. (Good Luck!) As I said before, I definitely wish someone mentioned these to me pre-baby!

And the series continues with “Married with Kids: Part III-Post-Baby Battle of the Spouses”