“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only” –Charles Dickens
When children arrive a marriage evolves. It changes. It is an entirely different species of beast. It is no longer what it once was. I wish someone would have been able to explain this to me, so that I could really understand and appreciate what children would do to my marriage. It would not have changed our decision to have a child, but it would have changed how we handled preparing for one and it would certainly have cut down on the amount of fighting.
Having children with the person you love is incredible. It is wonderful learning the two of you created something so perfect. The joy you feel watching that baby grow through ultrasound photos, bump pictures, and doctor’s appointments. It is magical as your husband wraps his arms around you, talks or sings to the bump, and tries desperately to feel a kick or two. For a pregnant woman, there are no words to describe the incredible feeling of a baby moving inside your belly.
But absolutely nothing compares to seeing your spouse holding that brand new little miracle just seconds old. It takes your breath away in the best way possible. The day our son was born and I saw my husband, scared but overwhelming proud, carefully clutching our son with the utmost tenderness, I felt a love for my husband that I didn’t know was even possible. I fell in love with him that much more.
But I would be lying, if I said having a baby was easy. The truth is: Having a child will ROCK your marriage, to the very core and perhaps close to a breaking point. It tests your limits. It tests your marriage’s limits. It pushes your sanity to the brink of extinction. It tests your faith. The sad truth, I am not exaggerating. “It was the best of times and it was the worst of times” is an perfect characterization of transitioning from married to marriage with kids.
Oh, did we struggle…we struggled hardcore. Our house was a MESS. Okay, we are not the cleanest people to start with. Our house looks magnificently lived in. You will usually find dishes in our sink, shoes strewn about, dog toys (and now kids toys) everywhere, and a load of laundry that sat too long in the washer. But once baby boy showed up, the to-do list seemed overwhelming. It felt like despite boxes and boxes of diapers we always ran out. We were always low on formula or purified water. We were ALWAYS tired. We NEVER slept. We were grouchy.
The arguments start off so small and minor as parents start to get a feel for being new parents, often chalking it up to being a bit more irritable than usual due to the lack of sleep. But it ever so slowly erupts into a raging battle as the new baby excitement wears off. I’ve dubbed this phenomena: The battle of the spouses. Truthfully, it really isn’t just a battle but a full on WAR. Whether both parents work or just one does, there is a raging, savage, merciless war. Spouse v. Spouse. Every man for himself. Sadly, no one wins. No side prevails. Both sides end up wounded and scarred.
For us: it stated off with us struggling to establish a routine. Who feeds baby. Who bathes baby. Who changed the last diaper. Who got up in the middle of the night last. Who gets to shower at what time. Who gets to go to bed. Who has to get up. Slowly animosity, jealously, envy, whatever you want to call it, creeps up.
For me: I had a c-section so in the beginning I was slightly uncomfortable and the meds made me feel worse. My husband and I were taking turns sleeping on the couch. People were constantly coming and going. I missed my day job. I felt utterly worthless unable to even run the vacuum cleaner per doctor’s orders and unable to leave the house alone. My husband went back to work after two weeks. I hated him for it…not really hated, but was mostly jealous. I picked fights over silly things. I was mad he could go to work, go to the gym, etc. I couldn’t. I felt gross, hated my scar, hated my new mom body. I didn’t feel sexy. My husband and I had zero alone time which only fueled my groundless belief that he now found me unattractive as well.
I was home on maternity leave for six weeks, so I would spend my days taking care of the child, the dogs, myself, cleaning the house, only for him to come home and leave his shoes in the middle of the hallway, leave a pile of dirty laundry in the laundry room, put dirty dishes in the sink, leave toys out, fail to get my sons dirty clothes into the hamper. I would become angry when he would expect me to occupy the child so he could eat in peace and then proceed to take a hot shower. The rage I felt when there I sat, unshowered, wishing for a second of peace. I would have chopped off my left leg or extracted my own kidney without anesthesia with a dull kitchen knife to eat a meal uninterrupted, in peace and quiet, or to enjoy a fifteen minute long hot shower. Instead, I shoveled the food I made into my mouth so fast I couldn’t taste it with a child attached to me followed by a luke-warm shower because everyone else in the house had used up the hot water before me. I felt unappreciated, disrespected, and overlooked. I had all these feelings and I seethed with anger. I didn’t have depression. I had baby blues, but not full blown PPD. I cannot even begin to imagine the struggles a woman faces with PPD. My heart utterly BREAKS for those women, because the transition to being a mom (of one or ten) is so hard on its own.
I thought for sure things would get better when I went back to work. That my husband would suddenly view me as his equal, as a person who also goes to work full time (not to mention study for the bar exam) and then come home to the mess we called our life. However, it didn’t change a thing. I felt all the same things. I went to work, only to come home and have to clean and do everything else I was doing when I was staying home. I felt like I was getting zero credit. I felt like the expectations were impossible to meet. I felt like I was getting no help.
As I said, no one wins in the battle of the spouses. Our marriage suffered. We walked on egg shells in our own house, “like two ships that greet each other with flashing lights and then sail off into the night.”– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. We were spiteful. There was an utter lack of intimacy. It was SO SO easy to fault my husband for EVERY LITTLE THING OUT OF PLACE or every little thing that went wrong during the day. It was so easy to mumble under my breath when I was forced to get up in the middle of the night. It was so easy to put him down making him feel as unappreciated and overlooked as I did. For that, there is no apology great enough. Truth be told, I wasn’t the only one. He felt similar. He acted similar. Hence it was so easy to fall into and fight in the war. And the war raged on, longer than either of us care to admit.
And since hind-sight is 20/20, it easy to look back and see where we failed, where we made a bad call, and notice the things we could have done differently. We still fall into that dreadful pattern when the going gets tough, but we are able to see it happening and rectify it before too much damage is done.
Here are some tips to avoid the battle and/or how to hang the white flag of surrender:
- Take a moment each day, alone, to reflect. Reflect on your spouse and his/her accomplishments NOT on the negatives. Reflect on yourself and your accomplishments.
- Make a conscious effort to tell your spouse that you noticed the good things they did and say thank you.
- If you need help from your spouse, ask for it. Just asking goes a long way. Expecting a spouse to read your mind and know what you need, only sets your spouse up to fail.
- Be understanding and empathetic. Recognize that when you are tired, your spouse is tired too. If you had a bad day, your spouse may have had one too.
- Know what you want in a spouse and BE THAT SPOUSE for your husband/wife.
- Ask your spouse daily, what you can do to help him or her to make his or her life a bit easier.
- Kindly mention without hostility when something your spouse does bothers you and how they can fix it. Don’t let the things that bother you build up until you explode. (Example: Good= Sweetheart, would you mind removing your shoes in the garage when you come home, if you leave them here, I trip over them when getting the laundry. Bad= Are you KIDDING me? I can’t stand it when you leave your damn shoes in the middle of the hallway, you forgot to feed the damn dog, and didn’t send the bills out in today’s mail)
- Recognize that you have flaws and acknowledge your own mistakes, APOLOGIZE for them.
- Take time, even just a few minutes, to hold hands or hold each other to remind one another that you are still there.
- Most importantly, say I love you, even when you are so utterly mad boiling over in rage in the heat of it all.
The Married with Kids series continues with Part IV: Pre-Baby Number 2.
Life of A Mama: Unfiltered 