Hey, Where did all my Friends go?

The mystery of the “disappearing” friends.

 Relax, I am not saying friends actually disappear from your life when you have children. Well, for arguments sake, perhaps they do…but maybe they can’t relate and they shy away from hanging out until your child is less newborn and baby and more toddler/young child that “can do things” a normal human can do. Or perhaps, it’s all a parent’s perception and the parent’s feelings of missing out/a parent’s realization of a huge life change that are the real culprits in this mystery.

Nonetheless, most new parents will go through the stage where they think: hey, where did all my friends go?

While having babies is a milestone and adventure many choose to achieve and embark on, some decide not to and sadly, some who may want to may not be able to or it may take longer than others. Like marriage, not everyone decides to have children at the same age or phase in their life. Most of our (my husband and I’s) friends were not married when we tied the knot; we were one of the first few to jump on the married train.  That being said when we became pregnant with our son, shortly after tying the knot, even fewer of our close friends had a child or children or were even thinking about having kids in the near future.  

Sure, our friends were (and are) thrilled for us. When our son was born, many traveled near and far to meet the newest addition to our family and of course they showered him with gifts and love. Most of my friends would hold our son, snuggle and love up on him, as the maternal instincts kicked into high gear. Most of  hubby’s friends, well, they were less inclined to snuggle the little guy. In fact, one lovingly referred to him as a potato for about the first six to eight months of his life. (Despite this, this friend is one of our son’s favorite “uncles” now).  Some of the guys with children/baby cousins or nieces or nephews were a bit more enthusiastic about it. There were others I would have bet had zero inclination to hold our son who readily asked to hold him at events. Funny how the biggest guy in the room can melt over a little squishy baby. 

Shortly after we had a baby (and the excitement of new baby wore off), the phone calls to attend parties, events, late ngiht bonfires, and casual get togethers still came in the same pre-baby frequency. Instead of ready acceptances, we had to decline more often than not. Slowly the calls started to dwindle becoming less and less frequent. No blame here, I mean you can only ask so many times and be met with denial time and time again before feeling defeated…am I right? However, even on those rare occasions when we did accept and would attend kid in tow, it wasn’t usually the most enjoyable experience. More than half the night would be consumed with chasing the toddler around or entertaining him instead of enjoying the company of friends. Sadly, it ends up being more trouble then it’s worth. So then of course, the next obvious solution is parents try to split up, leaving one parents to sulk at home while the other attends the event and feels guilty only to come home earlier than planned. There is just no winning.

The next obvious solution…is to move the event to our home. That way we can still enjoy ourselves when kid goes to sleep armed with the monitor of course. Well, for some people, dealing with flip flopping between Sesame Street and the big game and trying to have an adult conversation while a screaming toddler with sticky peanut butter fingers is running around your feet is not the ideal  for-fun, Friday night or Saturday night activity. I can’t blame you. Before children, that is NOT how I would’ve wanted to spend a Friday night either.

Not to mention kids tend to consume all aspects of a parent’s life. It is pretty much all parent’s do therefore children are pretty much all parents can talk about and all that is “new.” Instead of jokes about what Joe did last Friday night at the bar, its stories about how you found your kid pooping on the floor after he ripped his diaper off or how your kid has learned to say stinky when he walks into the bathroom when daddy is in there.  Not too many non-kid friends want to hear about (or can relate to) that or appreciate the hilarity behind it. Now that same story in a room full of moms and dads would be hilarious. 

Needless to say, it obvious that friendships change as friends embark on parenthood at different speeds. Just like when one person in the group finds a serious relationship, its hard for the friends who are single to accept they now have to share their friends time. Just as its hard for the newly committed person to find the necessary balance to maintian a healthy relationship and friendship. Friendships when parenthood intervenes change and not necessarily in a bad way.

The good friends still call and text and still stop by. They will “suffer” through an afternoon with your kid in order to see you and “suffer” through jokes about poop (they will even laugh with you). But weeks may pass by before you see them again. For people who have a lot of friends who they see often, their lives feel shockingly void when baby arrives and new baby excitement wears thin. People who don’t have kids don’t truly understand or appreciate the struggles of the no longer simple task of hanging out, until it happens the them.

So while it may feel as though your life is suffering with a case of disappearing friends, remember, child-raising is a difficult pill to swallow. Take time for your friends when you can, talk to them often, and ‘suffer’ through dragging your child along. Yes, some people may cut you off because they don’t care for kids, it is okay. Honestly, Kids are scary…. I am a mom and even I can admit these tiny beings are scary and intimidating. Like all things, these times will pass. Pretty soon you will be on the flip side, and these friends will be beginning their journey into parenthood (and you can point and laugh).

For those without kiddos yet who may or may not have mass amounts of procreating friends, try to understand that free time is pretty much non-existent in a parents world. And understand that outside of work, the answer to whats new, is most likely the newest thing our child has done. Know We love you, and of course we want to see you as often as we can… it may just not be for a two day drinking binge or a weekend long get-together. If we are honest, it may not even be for the Saturday afternoon game at Buffalo Wild Wings. Yes, we may ask you to come over and you may have to deal with the sticky peanutbutter-fingered toddler, but it’s memories made.