Pregnancy Scale Struggles

BeWaRe: Rant warning.

I hate talking about the scale….and despite the numbers I have always been self-conscious about my body. Ok, cue the body shamers….Yes, I am “thin”-ish. Despite hating to share the numbers…here they are.

In college I was a whopping 110lbs soaking wet. At my wedding a cute 116lbs. When I got pregnant with my son: 122lbs. When I had my son 154 lbs. A week after my son was born 136lbs. I got back down to  125lbs before getting pregnant with our daughter.

I feel comfortable around 115lbs…its usually easy to maintain, I feel healthy, and my clothes fit nicely. But its been a while since I have seen that number…March 7, 2015 to be exact. So today, I am 138lbs at nearly 25 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. I am Approaching 140…AND I hate it.

To some, 130, 140, or even 150 is not a big deal, in fact it may even be a “goal weight” for many. Which is great, maybe you are tall…perhaps your body structure is different, maybe you are really muscular. But to barely 5’3” me, I feel unhealthy at any weight over 120. Not just because of the number.

So with pregnancy comes weight gain, and I hate it. I love that it means my little bean is growing, putting on weight and developing, but man, I hate watching the number on the scale increase despite eating healthy and remaining as active as I can. I know it’s a good thing…but the strain it puts on all my muscles and joints…the expanding waist line, the fact I get winded walking up stairs….it’s tough not to feel unhealthy.

But to body shamers, because 140 isn’t a big deal, it isn’t a big number, I am somehow not permitted to feel “LARGE” or “FAT” or “GROSS.” I should be “Grateful” I am so “small.” I am “selfish” for being concerned about weight gain during pregnancy. I need to “Get over it.”

Well no, no, in fact I do NOT need to get over it. I try to be healthy, I make healthy food choices, try to stay active…I work hard for the body I have (had). It isn’t genetics. In fact my genetics make it easy to gain and hard to lose (hypothyroidism). So, forgive me, if I am not going to “GET OVER” it. Most women are not happy about weight gain.

Granted there are some who struggle to gain weight…and yet people will shame them for their “thin-ness.” This is unacceptable.

Society tells us every day to be self-conscious, with photoshop and 6’1” models who have six pack abs while pregnant or the “overweight” model who is hardly even plus-sized. This is not reality.

Yes, we all need to love our bodies…curvy, not curvy, large, small, tall, short, abs or no abs. I love mine, I take care of mine, yet right now I am sharing mine with a little baby. Yes, it is beautiful and wonderful. Yes, I enjoy the kicks and punches and hiccups. But NO, I do not love the scale or the way my clothing fits and I won’t love the scale or my clothes for a while. After baby is born, I will have to work hard to love my body shape again that will now have more stretch marks and another battle scar and be forever changed. It will take time. A lot of time. I won’t bounce back for close to a year. Why can’t feel I upset about it?

I am all for the “love your body” and “own the skin you are in” movement. How I love my body, the weight I love and feel beautiful at will be different from other women. That does not mean the naturally 95lb woman or the naturally 300lb woman isn’t beautiful or doesn’t love her body. What works for you doesn’t always or won’t necessarily work for me, and vice versa. So DO NOT tell me that I am somehow not entitled to my feelings solely because of the number reflected on my scale.

Sure, you want to say, “you look great 6 months pregnant”, that’s fine, thanks I appreciate it, I am trying. But do not tell me I am overreacting when I say I feel large…because I am large in comparison to my normal average weight. I am pregnant, I am growing a tiny human. On top of that, I am emotional and full of hormones…which can be unleashed in a crazy hormonal rage at an given moment. Don’t be stupid, body shamers.