Part Two: Letter to my Son
As most parents-to-be, we poured through name books and websites in an attempt to name our baby girl. We had a few names. I loved the name Charlotte. My husband didn’t. My husband loved the name Peyton, I thought it was okay. I loved the name Stella. My husband thought it was okay. Well… spoiler alert, we didn’t use any of those names, or the middle name we had picked out for her either. Go figure.
Well during the last week of work, I would spend lunch breaks reconsidering a thousand names I had previously discarded, hoping something would JUST “hit” me. My husband practically hated me that week because he was so sick of names; I don’t blame him. One day, I took a break from blowing up my husband’s phones with a new endless list of ridiculous names and wrote a letter.
A nice letter to my son to put in his 2nd year scrapbook. An unfiltered, raw testament of the love of a mom to her first born in an attempt to capture the tug-of-war of the joy and sadness of welcoming another child into the fold.
Baby boy,
Words cannot express the unconditional love I have for you. From the moment, I knew you were in my belly, I loved you. I did not and could not fathom the love I would feel as your mom the moment you were placed in my arms and I saw your face. My heart swelled. Each day, I stare at you in awe and amazement at each new thing you discover. I feel so blessed that your father and I are your parents… that God chose us to raise you.
You made me a mom…a job I prayed for, hoped for, wished for, planned for, my whole life. The sound of your toddler toes as you run through the kitchen, your sweet voice when you say “mommy” melts my heart, your adorable grin and your face covered in food. The love I have for you is so great, so incredible; it is insurmountable, limitless, infinite, and unconditional.
For nearly 20 months, you have been an only child. In a few short days or so, things will change. You are going to have a sister. You are going to be a big brother.
As we prepare to become a family of four humans, I can’t help but cry and worry that you will feel replaced or less loved. You are only 20 months old, I know you don’t quite understand. My heart shatters at the thought.
When I look at you, snuggled up in bed with your thirty stuffed animals, I think, “how on earth will I ever love another the way I love you?” I feel guilty since I have your sister bouncing around in my belly. I prayed about it. I cried about it.
Truth is, I won’t ever love another the way I love you. I can’t. You will always be my little boy; my sweet, handsome, overly active little boy who is the spitting imagine of his daddy.
I won’t love your sister less. I will love you both, equally, unconditionally, forever, for always, for the end of time and more. Each of you has a very different, very special place in my heart that is uniquely yours.
I am a big sister and Daddy is a big brother. It’s not easy. It is actually a really tough job.
As a big brother, I hope that you’ll love your little sister. I hope that you will protect her and help her, support and encourage her. Just as I hope your little sister will do those things for you. Your sister will look up to you. But most of all, I hope and pray that you and your sister will be friends. Maybe not at first, maybe not until you are well into childhood or adulthood, but I truly hope that you two can and will always lean on each other.
Mommy and Daddy will most likely be stricter when it comes to raising you. You’re the first… we do not yet know what works and what doesn’t work. It’s not intentional, but Mommy and Daddy are still trying to figure out this parenting thing. At times this will make you frustrated, but someday I promise, if you have children of your own, which I hope you do, you will understand.
I love you fiercely my precious child.
For Always and Forever, For All of Time
Love, Mommy
It was my biggest fear that my son would feel replaced by his sister or feel less loved by my husband and I. I cried more than I care to admit about it. I spent the last few weeks of pregnancy holding onto to the final moments of my not so little toddler being an only child for dear life.
Not only did I have the worry for my son, but I started worrying about surgery. I want to see my children grow. What if something happened to me? Would he remember me?
I also worried about my husband and I, our marriage. The newborn and infancy months can be trying, especially if everyone is grumpy from not sleeping. How would we cope with two? How difficult will it be? Can we handle it?
(SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t caught on yet, I am pretty sure I cried quite a lot the two weeks before I had our daughter)
Life of A Mama: Unfiltered 