Bad Mommy

Mommy needed a time out; a big giant pause button just to take a deep breath and collect herself before she went nuclear. The old adage: “when it rains, it pours” seems more applicable to life as a mother than anything else. And instead of a rainbow after the storm, momma sulked in mom guilt so much she tossed and turned until the alarm clock signaled the start of the following day.

I am relatively new at my job. I have worked in the same place for over three years, but my job responsibilities have changed over the last year since passing the bar exam. I love my job. It’s a job I have imagined and dreamed of since the third grade. I enjoy it immensely. With every job, some projects are easier than others and some projects are more enjoyable than others. Some days are off the charts productive and others are just slow, tedious, and leave you feeling like you hardly accomplished anything at all.

Well, I took a day off for the fourth of July holiday; a much needed day off to try to relax a bit. My life has been so fast-paced these last few months with pregnancy, my job, chasing a toddler, and being a wife. It can get overwhelming. I knew once the long weekend was over, I would arrive back into my office with mountains of work to weed through. Needless to say, getting back into the work grind had my stress level at an all-time maximum. After five interrupted days with my little man, my heart was aching with missing him. The endless piles of work made it seem like my office was closing in on me. I was begging for the clock to hit 4:30.

Just when I was about to leave, I get a call from my husband. We have been planning for concrete to be poured at our house and the company called (Wednesday) to tell us they may show up Friday to begin. We still had the old brick sidewalk to rip up. “When it rains, it pours.”

So in the humid heat, pregnant and busting at the seams with stress, I helped out in the back yard moving bricks while chasing our toddler.  All I wanted was peace and quiet. I just wanted five seconds to myself and a long hot shower. I was so jealous my husband got to be kid-free….even if he was also doing yard work. Husband had to cut grass, had to work outside until 830, had to take a shower first, all while I had ALL the household responsibilities PLUS chasing a toddler. I was bitter and resentful. I felt it was so unfair that I was the one forced into mom-duty with no reprieve.

I yelled a bit. I got frustrated particularly with our child who does not like to listen. I was stressed, tried, emotional. I was being a bad mommy. I REJOICED when my child went to bed because I NEEDED him to go to bed. I needed my hot shower. I needed to be alone, needed to decompress, just for a few minutes.

And of course, after getting those few minutes of solitude, I spent the rest of the night feeling like mom garbage. Mommy-ing is so hard.

Today, I can only promise to be better, to do better because pretty soon there will be two.