I read an article or blog post once that gave some incredible advice. The advice: Continue to date your spouse. As a newly married couple, it seemed obvious to both my husband and I that we would continue “dating” and would remain in happy married life bliss. I mean other than sharing a home and bank account, what really changed? Oh how naïve we were.
Well the challenge of dating your spouse comes when you bring little humans into the world. Before children, my husband and I would go over to the homes of various friends for late night parties and bonfires. We would go to little quiet bars, watch some live music, or go to a nice restaurant with a quiet atmosphere. We would have friends over to our place, watch sporting events and cheer while consuming our favorite alcoholic beverages. We would go fishing, jet-skiing, kayaking, and all kinds of other fun outdoorsy activities. We also often enjoy our alone time behind closed doors or perhaps in some non-discrete area of our home when the mood would strike.
This all changes when a tiny human comes around. You can’t work out together. You can’t eat together much less eat in quiet. You can’t shower at the same time anymore. You can hardly sleep in the same bed at the same time, and even when you can you can no longer sleep next to each other because a tiny human occupies the space. You can’t do a lot of the outdoorsy activities unless you can manage to get a sitter. You can’t go to a romantic dinner as often because babies and fancy places do not mix well (especially my loud little human who babbles and screams and throws food….imagine the other patrons at the four or five star restaurant). Live music at bars is too loud, and trips to friend’s houses end promptly at bath time. Your whole life changes because at least one of you has to be watching and entertaining the tiny human.
So when you don’t get nearly as much alone time or hardly any alone time at all for days on end, how do you date your spouse? Well, I will let you in on a little secret that took me all too long to learn. Dating your spouse doesn’t have to be to a movie and dinner, in fact dating your spouse may not quite look like “dating” as you know it.
Sure, last night my husband and I got to see the Cleveland Indian’s play at Progressive Field against the Detroit Tigers. That’s a night out, and that’s a date by society’s standards. But It had been a while since hubby and I had a date night prior to that…usually, once a month is our goal and it probably spans 4-6 weeks between “Dates.” Now with another baby on the way, our “Date” options tend to be a bit more limited and I usually end up relegated to the designated driver (which let’s be honest isn’t much fun).
When the alone time is minimal and perhaps near non-existent, it can certainly strain a marriage in the intimacy department. Not to mention, unshowered and smelly, full of baby grossness doesn’t make a lady feel too sexy or “in the mood”. Suffice it to say, while it took months to figure out, my husband and I continue to date each other in our own unique way.
For example, women love to receive flowers. I love flowers, but tired-mom-me loves coffee made in the morning WAY more. In fact, not only does my husband turn the coffee pot on every morning, but quite occasionally my sweet husband will bring me a perfect cup of coffee upstairs while I get ready for work or while I am still in bed fighting with the sun to stall a little longer. My husband goes to Sam’s Club for me (from my previous post, ya’ll know I loathe Sam’s Club). I try to keep the house tidy. I cook one of his favorite meals a few times a week. I surprise him by cutting the grass so he has one less chore to do. I buy him his favorite snacks, even though Lord knows we don’t need the cookies.
It’s the sweet little things that seem like no big deal but mean the entire world to a tired mom and dad. That’s what dating and intimacy become. Its staying up passed my normal bedtime to spend an extra twenty minutes of alone time with him or him watching some television show he hates just to sit on the couch with me. It’s waking up early together because it’s the only time everyone else is asleep. It’s him taking our child outside for fifteen minutes so I can have a few minutes to myself or him asking questions about some YA Sci-Fi novella I am reading and pretending to be interested. It’s us just scrolling through Instagram and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. It’s us talking politics even though we agree with each other 99.9% of the time. It’s just us sitting in silence, on our back deck, with the humming of the baby monitor in the background as the sun sets.
While it isn’t “Dating” per se, the sweet little gestures, the kisses and hand holding, the ten or so minutes of child-free-ness, is dating to us and we try to make the most of it. Sure we still have a date night every blue moon, but it took us a while to understand how to feel connected and “Date” when we were now shackled to the house and our child. Sure, some nights one of us is just too tired and goes to bed early, and some mornings one of us has to be at work a bit early…but the advice rings true. It is incredibly important to “date” your spouse and I highly recommend it!
Life of A Mama: Unfiltered 